Many of my girlfriends got married last year and I got the chance to be part of a lot of pre-wedding discussions. Being a soon-to-be bride, I thought it would help me to understand what to expect from a wedding and marriage. The mothers, aunties and married friends were all over- from social media comments to tagging the bride in marriage advice posts and offline long gossip calls.
A lot of these discussions were about how a woman has to adjust to a new environment, how she has to learn to balance work and home, how to adjust with the in-laws etc. Meanwhile, I also witnessed some of my male friends getting married. The discussion was totally reverse. It was mostly “Wah mere cheetey!” (You’re a tiger boss) or some like “Ab se Joru ka Gulam” ( Slave of your wife). But no serious discussions or advice about “balancing” and “adjusting”.
It raised a lot of questions in my mind.
- We are working towards equality but still, it is women who are given all adjusting advice.
2. Why women have to be multi-tasking always? why are we expected to be so? Even we have full-time jobs and odd sleep routines, still, we have to ensure the household is running sane while all a man does is go to the office, eat and sleep and pursue their respective interests.
3. “Pati ka dhyaan rakhna. Sab ki seva karna” ( take care of your husband and serve everyone well) – this translates to the most common and wrongly romanticized post which reads “A man is a child who refuses to grow up” . A man and woman need to take care of the household and everyone in the family but they need to be responsible for their own shit as well right? Of course, it is important to take care of the husband when he is unwell and vice-versa. but can’t expect a man to run around the wife with a plate of food, nor can a wife do the same all the time right?
Also, a woman is not bound to “serve”. She is marrying to live with the person she has chosen to spend her life with. Not even a man is bound to serve. But its about two mature individuals taking care of themselves and the household.
There is a misconception that women have issues with in-laws. It is never about the in-laws. It totally depends on what kind of person the guy is and how he handles situations and balances his wife and family.
Coming to the adjusting part- of course, it is important to make adjustments. Two totally different worlds need to coexist and adjustments are important but without compromising on individual or couple interests. The adjustment should come from both sides. By both sides, I mean just the man and the woman.
- The guy likes the AC temperature at 19 degrees, the girl likes it at 23- settle for 21; cuddle and sleep! That’s how it should be.
- Opening the door for the maid is a painful job? Let Monday to Wednesday be his job and Thursday to Saturday be the ladies day!
Here if the guy backs out then he is being a ****!
My point is whatever a woman’s job is in a marriage, it is a man’s job too. A man cannot enjoy more privilege just because he did not have to leave his household. Things change not just for the woman but also for the man. It’s just that the responsibilities are passed on to the woman and the man lives in ignorance and often encouraged to do so. Weddings are fun. But marriage is some real hard work and it’s beyond the relationship of two people. If two people don’t row the boat, it’s going to go nowhere.