I recently got married ( before you get all excited, its a civil marriage and traditional one awaits). For me, marriage has been like the ticket to live in with my boyfriend and have a scheduled and planned life. No more busy weekdays and the struggle to catch up after work, little more laid back life and being adults. The only difference is that earlier we were picking empty pizza boxes for the trash bag and now we are deciding the color of pillow covers and curtains. And honestly I am liking it. Finally coming home to someone who looks forward to you is a great feeling and I’m blessed.
As a woman I went through and still going through lot of blended emotional attacks- some are butterflies of the newly-married bliss while some are about the fact that now I am entering the real adult phase where you got to be adult, try to set up a home and balance between parents, new family, career, love life and social life. Few things that really were heart-breaking and deep for me where:
- I realized I am old enough to marry means my parents are old too. Off late I am having real panic attacks triggered by the fear of loss. Recently a friend of mine lost her father and she was devastated. I saw my parents take care of my grand parents and I witnessed their loss as well. I am scared of this next phase which brings me face-to-face to the fact that my parents are aging. I am still reading about it ( they say its called thanotophobia) and “trying not to bring such thoughts”.
- I have been living with my brother all this time and trust me living with any adult can be conflicting. I honestly waited to kick start my own life but honestly I have never felt more attached to my sibling. The phase when you “feel like seeing your family more often” is here for me I guess.
- I experienced huge insecurity about if I will still be the daughter to my family. Indian society is patriarchal and such insecurity is not uncommon even if I come from a progressive family. A dialogue with my father on the same cleared me of such fears. I am glad that I have two families now and that I’m not a commodity who is given away to a new family.
On a lighter note, it’s fun to get married to your best friend. I get messages from friends who ask me “what’s different?”. I say “nothing” and my own answer puts me to peace. Marriage can be amazing when you have a partner and families who accept you for who you are. I am trying to focus on the good essence of marriage to cope up with my emotional surges which I mentioned above.
What’s your marriage story? How did you feel before the big day? I want to hear your stories too.